#2 You now belong to this Board. If you try to escape, you will return. Always.
#3 Reverntly respect Imban 1, he is you, you are him, and so is everyone else.
#4 While exact Spiderweb pantheon is subject to debates and holy wars, Jeff Vogel (Member #1, Spidweb) is undisputed supreme god for the following reasons:
- He has created these forums.
- He has the power to destroy these forums.
- He sets the rules to guide us and the laws to judge us.
- He sets moderators to watch over us.
- He smites all those who challenge his authority, banishing them from existence.
#5 Members number 2, 3, 6, and 7 are all immediate agents of Jeff and their decrees should be treated with proper respect.
#6 While it is not necessary to continually maintain the level of discourse appropriate for instructional process at a major academic institution, if u rite lik dis or use teh 1337 u'll be laft off teh boardz and teh intrawebz.
#7 Google is your friend.
#8 Wikipedia is your friend. Also see #9.
#9 Do not belive everything your friends tell you; they sometimes lie.
#10 Do not start a new thread for a subject that was recently discussed.
#11 Do not post in a thread that is too old. Necromancy is frowned upon - we'd rather have moribund fora than be reminded of what we were talking about last month.
#12 If the combination of rules 10 and 11 above is preventing you from discussing certain subjects you can pray to Richard White 1, Chthulhu, or some other resident deity for guidance. Or just use your best judgment.
#13 Like every good bridge, this place has its trolls. Do not try to emulate them. Even the most prominent of them sometimes get banned, and you don't have any Get out of Jail Free cards yet.
#14 Do not feed the trolls. (Unless you enjoy being troll food.)
#15 If you are easily offended, do not get involved in political, religi ous, philosophical, or any other kind of discussion, debate, argument, or conversation. (This is the internet, after all, even if we try to maintain a civil environment.)
#16 Using these boards as a chatroom, starting posting games, using lots of smileys in the same post, or spamming (unless it's very funny) are reliable ways to get a custom title. Unfortunately that custom title is "Canned".
#17 If the custom title of "Canned" is not sufficient for you, you can continue the behaviors that earned it and you'll be upgraded to "Banned".
#18 Most other custom titles are bestowed by Drakey on those he finds worthy while he is sufficiently drunk. Asking for a custom title is the best way to make sure you'll never get one. (Just look at Alorael.)
#19 Surveys are not considered spamming games. They are allowed and encouraged in moderation.
#20 Karma should not be discussed. If you take the risk and talk about karma, be prepared that yours will inevitably lower and you'll drop down in the chain of evolution.
#21 Do not choose a PDN that's longer than 24 characters or so, it spoils the formatting of the page.
#22 Reading the entire thread before you post, while not strictly required, is a good way to avoid looking like a fool.
#23 The UBB software that runs these forums has a short attention span. Posting complete works of literature in a single thread causes the board to forget that the thread ever existed. Regular threads that reach about 20 pages of long posts also stretch the board's patience, causing some pages to disappear.
#24 Intentionally using the board's peculiar memory described above to destroy threads is a good way to get a custom title "Banned".
#25 "FYT" means Fixed Your Typo, but you're not really supposed to fix peoples typo's with it. Just put words in their mouth.
#26 Topics celebrating post count milestones should be started only on suitable occasions.
#27 #26 may be waived, but only if topic is intended to protest base-10 numbers, even numbers, round numbers, etc...
#28 Causing a Mac versus PC war or an Exile versus Avernum war is not expressly forbidden. However, doing so will cause a poor, fluffy kitty 1 to spontaneously combust.
#29 Do not attempt to compare Avernum and Geneforge. Talking Averforge is not appreciated by JV, for obvious reasons.
#30 Dikiyoba's stories are legend. Do not insult them.
#31 Join a Spiderweb chat at your own peril.
#32 Joining any Spiderweb satellite boards are bound to make you lose more of your sanity and probably more than your sanity. You have been warned.
#33 Replying to a post by putting it through Babelfish is spam. Funny spam, but still spam.
#34 Do not aggravate Member #4. You will be verbally violated. If not by him, then by someone else on his behalf.
#35 Any post comparing member #4 and #4045 is unlikely to be popular.
#36 It is recommended not to have a PDN including the words "commander", "Edward", "Ed", or "E.D.F." In fact, you might not be safe until you've gotten rid of any existing e's directly follow ed by d's in your PDN.
#37 Do not copy Alorael's signature. He has a sniper rifle. He is not afraid to use it. Alo is also the only member allowed to speak in the third person safely. Dikiyoba is the sole exception. We think she bribed him with... something.
#38 All our skribbane belongs to Alo, and now, so does yours.
#39 Drakey is now, always was, and always will be 7. Don't question it or we'll be forced to adjust your implants 1.
#40 Do not anger the needle/ferrets 1, offend the chickens 1, or compare Vlish to hobnailed snails 1. It's just safer that way.
#41 Beware the wandering tentacle. They like to slap, strangle, and... accost in other ways. Keep in mind, though, that tentacles have feelings, too.
#42 Do not call Nicothodes cute unless you enjoy being punctured viciously by mechanical pencils. If you don't call Nicothodes cute, she may give you a cookie. Also see #43.
#43 Do not underestimate the power of the mechanical pencil.
#44 Do not mock Member #5's post count or question his registration date. He has survived being eaten by the UBB. You may not be so lucky.
#45 Playing Homeland: Stone of the Night 1 is not a swift way to a painful death; it is the CIAs latest terror weapon. It's no longer available from SW but I think you can find it if you look. You know... if you're into that kind of thing.
#46 If you become an invisible newbie (i.e. make an account then never post), beware of Arctic 1 2. He is always hungry.
#47 When you are looked at weirdly for laughing at the boards, just mumble something about living in the joy of Richard White 1, and go back to making arcane gestures at your monitor.
* - Neither Spiderweb Software, nor its employees, minions, or pet tarantulas are in any way affiliated with this list, and should not be held responsible for any incidental, consequential, coincidental, or sequential damages that might result from following the advice herein.
15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn
By Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career(or hobby) with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. (Not quite true but better safe then sorry)
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Ollie's list of life lessons learned.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKY'S. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. (been wanting to try this for some time)